Workin’ Mama Blues

Who gets gray hairs when they are 26? Working mamas, that’s who.

Today in the bathroom at work, I noticed two stupid gray hairs right on top. Grr. Now, I’ve had a couple of stray gray hairs before, but these ones bothered me more than others for some reason. (side note: why are the stupid gray ones always coarse and old lady-like!?) My stress level has been super high lately. Work has been crazy busy and slightly overwhelming, and my mom-guilt has been really high. Tears have been involved. And seeing these two gray hairs just reminded me that I have so much on my plate. Sometimes I feel like a total bad-ass for being a working mom. I feel so proud and like I can tackle anything. But, sometimes I feel like a total failure; a failure as a mom, as an employee, as a woman. Lately, that’s how I’ve been feeling. And it sucks.

We get pictures all throughout the day from daycare (thank God). But, every time I get a picture of him playing with friends, eating a snack, or even simply washing his hands, I can’t help but feel guilty. Adults, who are not me, get to spend all day with my boy. All while I’m at work looking at deferred taxes and researching hedges and their tax implications. They get to see my boy point up to the sky and say “bye bye airpain” and point to ducks and say “quack quack” all throughout the day. I miss so many moments.

Thank God for daycare pictures
Alwayssss reading
But, I work hard for him. He is my reason for getting up and going into work each day. I work hard to be able to provide for him and all his needs. He’s my reason for everything. And while I may miss out on the normal 8-5 activities, I am there for him when he needs me most. I’m there to go on walks in the evening, and play splish-splash in the bath, and to read him “Little Blue Truck” before bed. I’m the one he calls for when waking up in the morning, and the one he gets excited to see after school. He knows no one could ever love him more than his mama (sorry daddy).

Growing up, things were tight. Really tight. Like “garage door wouldn’t open after school because the power had been turned off” tight. I promised myself I would never let my kids know that embarrassment. My mom always did the best she could, but we struggled, and I never want my family to struggle in that way. But, that doesn’t mean Noah will be given everything – nothing will be handed to him on a silver platter. My upbringing totally molded me into the woman I am. I am proud of everything I have, because I worked my ass off for it. Noah, and any future kids, will know how to work hard. Even though my mom could never provide much, she’s the one who gave me my strong work ethic. She always, always told me to never depend on a man, but to make my own living and to always be able to support myself.

So, while I struggle daily with missing my child so incredibly much, I am always reminded why I work so hard. Do I often dream of being a stay-at-home mom? Absolutely. Would I give everything to be able to be present for every moment of my son’s day? Of course. Do I wish money grew on trees? Duh. But, it’s not my reality right now. So, I will get up tomorrow, send my baby boy off to school and head into work, where I will kick ass and take names.

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